How to deal with mom guilt when sleep training your baby
Sleep training involves getting your baby or child into the habit of falling asleep independently without any outside help or assistance. This process varies for every child, even among siblings. When most moms hear about sleep training, they first think of the cry-it-out method. However, there are several ways to achieve independent sleep in your child. Despite popular opinion, there is no perfect sleep training method. The ideal approach is the one that works for your family, ensuring your child gets restful sleep.
Unfortunately, moms often feel a lot of guilt around sleep training. The thought of letting your baby cry to achieve sleep can be overwhelming. I would be the first to say there is no sleep training method that doesn't involve some crying, even if minimal. One of the main reasons moms have challenges with sleep training is the guilt they associate with the process. As a result, you may have already concluded that sleep training is not for your family.
Common Sources of Guilt in Sleep Training
Exhaustion and Inconsistency: Feeling too exhausted to go through the process and be consistent is common. Even with the best intentions, you may be too tired to consistently follow through with sleep training. You might decide to put it off for the next night, week, or month. While it is reasonable to delay sleep training during periods of transition (such as illness or moving), it is better to pick a time and start, even if you realize it won’t be perfect. Achieving sound sleep for your child requires persistence and consistency.
Different Parenting Philosophies: Not being on the same page with your spouse or co-parent can also create guilt. There is often a benefit to having varying philosophies when it comes to parenting. However, with sleep training, it is helpful to be on the same page as your spouse or other caregivers. You want to avoid sending mixed messages to your child about what to expect at bedtime. The Baby Center 3-stage sleep solution recommends that all adults involved in the child’s care should watch the course. This consistent approach will make the sleep training process much more manageable, ultimately helping your child sleep better.
Emotional Impact Concerns: Many parents fear they are potentially scarring their children emotionally by letting them cry at bedtime. However, based on research, there has been no evidence of negative psychological impacts in children who are sleep trained. While no sleep training method is completely free of tears (even the “gentle” methods), you can decide on a method that works best for you and your child’s temperament, ensuring they achieve restful sleep.
How to Ditch the Guilt Around Sleep Training
Embrace Independent Sleep as a Life Skill: Realize that wanting your child to fall asleep independently is a great goal for you and your child. Whether you decide to sleep train or not, you are a great parent. Helping your child sleep independently sets them up for sleep success in the long run. Healthy sleep habits help your child emotionally, physically, and developmentally, promoting sound sleep.
Accept Imperfection: It doesn’t have to be perfect. Most sleep training methods will take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. You can pick a plan that works for you, depending on your tolerance level. If you realize down the line that the method is overwhelming, feel free to switch to a different method. The goal is to achieve restful sleep for your child.
Be Ready to Adjust: Many women work outside the home and worry that putting their kids to bed shortly after getting home will decrease the one-on-one time with them. This is a genuine concern. Remind yourself of the consequences of sleep deprivation on your child’s growth and development. When they sleep well, they enjoy the time spent with you. You may need to move things around and make adjustments, such as spending quality time with them in the morning before heading off to work. To sleep well, these adjustments are crucial.
Stay Consistent: No matter what method you choose to sleep train your little one, make your approach and response as consistent as possible. If your response varies, this creates confusion for your child, who doesn’t know what to expect, which may prolong the whole process. It is okay to switch methods if one isn’t working for you, but the key is trying to stick with it as much as possible. Staying as consistent as possible helps leave out the emotions in the process and makes it easier to follow through. Consistency leads to sound sleep and helps your child sleep better.
Find an Outlet: You want what’s best for your child. You want them to be healthy, happy, and successful. A baby that cries during sleep training is protesting this change. If they feel “rescued” each time they experience discomfort, they miss out on the growth they would have experienced through that discomfort. It’s important not to project your feelings onto your baby when he is crying. Instead, find ways to help you cope: take a bath, take a walk, listen to calming music, and ask for help. Consulting a sleep specialist or sleep therapist can provide additional support.
When sleep training, realize your child doesn’t hate you and that you’re not abandoning him. He needs your help to learn to fall asleep independently. He needs restful sleep, and so do you. If needed, consider seeking advice from a sleep doctor or pediatric sleep specialist to ensure you and your child achieve sound sleep.
Interested in additional sleep support? Learn more about Sleep Coaching and our Private Practice The Restful Sleep Place.
